


Ultimate Demon Fighter Niffty

by DK_Eldritch



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Blood and Violence, Comedy, Demons Are Assholes, Dragon Ball Z - Freeform, Gags, Gen, Kung Fu, Martial Arts, Parody, Tournaments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:15:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22250920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DK_Eldritch/pseuds/DK_Eldritch
Summary: Niffty gets roped into a fighting tournament and has to fight terrible demons with only fifteen minutes worth of fighting lessons. Can she avoid becoming a smear on the fighting ring?
Relationships: Niffty (Hazbin Hotel) & Original Character(s)
Kudos: 16





	1. A Martial Arts Tournament in a Carnival? Niffty's Challenge Awaits!

Hell’s Carnival was back in town and the whole staff took the day off to attend. Niffty, Husk and Angel stood in line for shitty carnival food while everyone else took to the fair.

“See, I don’t get what’s the big whoop with ‘fun’ lands like this,” Husk said. “If I wanted various ways to make myself throw up, the fair would’ve not been my first choice.”

“Hey what’s with the sour mood?” Angel asked. “Relax. Sure this place is a little sketchy-.” Angel paused while a demon was ejected from a pirate ship ride, falling over the horizon. “But at least we have a lot to do. Like eating funnel cake.”

“I’m so excited, and so hungry!” Niffty squelched. “I want food now! Food, fud, fad, fed, fid...”

“Ease up kiddo,” Husk said. They hit the front of the line. “Yeah, two funnel cakes.”

The screeching eldritch horror in the machine gurgled something and gave them two oily ones on a plate. Niffty gobbled them whole.

“Are you happy with yourself?”

Niffty smiled through her stuffed burning cheeks. “Yey.”

Husk ordered for another two. “Why don’t you go find Charlie and annoy her for a bit.”

“But I want to be with you Husk.” She gave him the big cute eye.

“Okay, but, uh, what if you don’t?”

For some reason Niffty’s mind did back flips until she tricked herself into leaving. “You’re right! Bye!” And she was off.

Husk looked back at Angel and gave him his cake. “Now what do I need to do to make you leave me alone?”

Niffty ran out into the fair wilderness and lost herself in the wonderland of fun. She saw a bunch of people gathering together and joined them. A demon in a gi was handing out papers.

“Join the competition, and you could win big!” he proclaimed. “Top prize of $100,000 if you win over everyone else!”

“Win!? I like winning! I’ll sign up!”

“Well here you go little girl.” The demon gave her a pen and sign up sheet. “I hope you are a true master of the arts.”

“Of course! I love art! I’ve sewn my entire outfit.”

“That’s cute.” He took the sign up sheet. “Well see you at the arena. Come back in half an hour.”

“Okay!” Niffty took a flier and skedaddled right over to the Spine Vomitter where Charlie and Vaggie were coming out.

“Vaggie, I don’t feel too good,” Charlie said.

“Yeah, doesn’t it feel like our stomach is inside out?” Vaggie replied. She laughed at first but then vomited behind a bush. “Ow! Blurgh! My spine!”

“Charlie! Vaggie! Lookee what I got!”

“Oh, what is it Niffty?” Charlie asked, holding in her body through sheer will power. “Uh, it’s a mixed martial arts tournament?”

“Yeah! I’m going to show everyone what I got with my sewing skills!”

“That’s not what martial arts means.” Vaggie read it over. “It’s like, you know, fighting?”

Charlie read through the pamphlet. “It says it’s a no-holds barred brawl with high impact violence, gore, dismemberment, evisceration and sexual tension?”

“What!? Violence? I can’t do violence.” Niffty clasped her hands. “I only believe in love.”

“Well you better get out of it before you become a pancake on the ground. C’mon Charlie, let’s get some water.”

“Cool beans.” The two walked off. Somewhere in the distance Charlie vomited her spine out.

Niffty was about to go the other way when a voice called out to her. “So you’re fighting in the Hellion Z Martial Arts Tournament young lady?” A wispy mustachioed old prune emerged from the shadows. “I can help you with that.”

“No thanks Mr. Old Guy. I’m not doing the competition.”

“Ah, yes. But don’t you like, victory?”

“Well I like hearing Al talk about victory.”

“And crushing your foes in your hands?”

“I do like hearing Al talk about crushing.”

“You see?” the master said, taking Niffty to his side. “I can teach you the ways of Guu-Do Hito before the tournament starts. Which is in about, fifteen minutes.”

“Fifteen minutes!?” Niffty rushed all the way back to the martial arts stand.

“Death, pain, misery!” the spokesman announced to everyone. “Two men enter! One man leaves! I- what? What do you want kid?”

“I wanna take my name out of the competition.”

“Sorry kid. No take backs. You’re gonna have to fight to win.”

“What if I don’t go?”

“Then we’ll hunt you down and kill you.”

“...B-But I’m small.”

“Then your pain will be quick. Now get in there!”

The guy tossed her in the direction of the giant stadium. She landed within feet of the wrinkly old demon. She looked up at him. “Okay, I'll learn how to fight now please.”


	2. Niffty Becomes an Anime Protag

Inside the arena Niffty trained on the sidelines, doing punches and kicks in quick succession. Master Phu was giving her his most secret techniques. “Everything, is in the mind. To sharpen one’s mind takes focus, practice and a will to see your desires come true.”

“Uh huh,” Niffty said, continuing to punch. “So does that mean I punch him? Kick? Do crazy teleportation moves?”

“I dunno, drink this energy drink.” He let her guzzle down an entire can of Bull Gunk. It was a strange way to up the hyper considering she was already hyper. He pulled out a bucket of chalk. “Now, I know it’s only been about, um, eight minutes, but you are the greatest student I’ve ever had.” He shed a tear for her. “Now dust your hands and feet with this.”

Niffty chalked up her hands and feet, but the urge to clean it off was great. “Can I clean it off now?”

“You’re not dirty. You are wearing the chalk. Now remember your training.”

“Yes, training,” she put on a voice. “The ways of the tiger. The flowing of water within my body. I am complete, I think. What does this brochure say again?”

“Good. Now give them a good wrecking Z Fighter Niffty. Show them true Guu-Do Hito style!”

“Yes master!” She was bouncing off the walls from the sugar rush.

The audience came in and filled up the rows. In the front row Alastor pulled everyone in and sat them down.

“Is there any reason why we’re watching this?” Charlie asked. “Isn’t this a little...barbaric?”

“Oh nonsense Charlie,” Alastor replied. “Fighting is the ultimate human sport. Who doesn’t love a little blood and violence?”

“Didn’t Angel say he was going to participate?” Vaggie asked. “You know, win that $100,000?”

“Ah yes...blood and violence.”

“Did Niffty get out of the competition in time?”

“Well she is right there, so I guess she didn’t!” Alastor laughed to himself while Charlie and Vaggie freaked out.

The two announcers, a dragon and tiger demon, took to the stage and got the party rolling. “Welcome everyone to the 34th Annual Hellion Z Martial Arts Tournament!” The guy said. “I’m your host Long Wang.”

“And I’m Crouching Pussy,” said the tiger demon. “We have 32 of the greatest fighters in the world (that we dragged off the streets) ready to kill each other for the chance to win cash money.”

“Let’s start out with a local favorite, martial arts master Son Gu-Fi vs the Long Leg Darling himself, Hell’s favorite porn star Angel Dust!”

Angel walked onto the stone arena armed to the teeth with every weapon his arms could hold while his opponent countered by being really fucking huge. Easily four times the size of him. An offensively attractive fox demon named Kitty ran up to officiate the match and had them ready.

“Fair play you guys,” she said. The two took their stances. “Ready, and go-! Wait! Hold up!” They skidded to a stop. “That’s illegal!”

“What?” Angel asked.

“Those guns!”

“What d’you mean?”

“This is a martial arts tournament! You can’t bring weapons to one of these!”

“They are so martial arts. It’s, uh, Gun-Fu! Yeah, isn’t that right big guy?”

Fi stomped on him like the spider he was, scooting him just to make sure he was squished. Kitty stood there for a second to check. “...And the winner is Gu-Fi!”

“Angel no!” Charlie cried out with Vaggie consoling. Alastor and Husk high-fived.

“Amazing display!” Long yelled. “Second fight will be Niffty vs psycho mutilator Berenstein!”

Niffty got in the arena and helped Angel peel off the ground. “Oh my god Angel! You’re letting your blood stain your whites!”

He grabbed her wrist. “Please…Niffty,” he gasped. “Avenge me...your...friend...and...split that 100k with me why don’tcha? Ugh, bleh.”

Niffty got very dramatic. “No! Angel! You’re so filthy! You can’t die! Wait, you can’t actually die. You’re a demon.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right.” Angel started screaming like a maniac until paramedics came and carried him away with a spatula.

The giant hulk of a man named Berenstein stomped up to Niffty and stared her down. “Hehahaha! Is this really my first fight? What a joke!”

“Uh, yeah,” Niffty said. “It’s a funny joke. Let’s call it that.”

Kitty rolled up between them. “Alright, you guys know the deal?”

“Actually I-.”

“‘Kay go!”

Berenstein brought up his fists to crush the little insect, but a voice shone through Niffty’s mind. _Remember your training. Remember your training._

“Remember your training little girl,” Master Phu said from the side.

“Training,” she said, and punched him in the stomach, causing all of his organs and spine to jettison out the other side. The arena rained blood as he fell to the ground. She stood there silently. “Did I do it right?”

“And the winner is Niffty!” Pussy yelled as the crowd exploded. “What a performance!”

Charlie stood up. “What the fuck was that!?” Alastor was laughing his ass off.

Niffty stood there happy as could be until she was called off the arena. She went up to her master. “I didn’t know I could do that.”

“Well, now you can, and knowledge is power. Now show these kung-pow bastards who’s boss.”


	3. There is No Moral to this Story

The rounds went by like clockwork as demons of all shapes and sizes beat the absolute shit out of each other and got obliterated. Round 2 Niffty faced off against boxing champion Emperor Fisty and punched his face off. Round 3 was against Roxie the centipede assassin and she punched her face off, and Round 4 was against Joel and they were really respectful toward each other before Niffty punched his face off.

“And that’s another brutal victory for the incredible Niffty!” Long said. “She’s been on a roll so far. What do you think Pussy?”

“I dunno man. She goes for the climax too quickly. She needs a little starting action, y’know? Some kind of pre-established action? Some kind of...play before the fight?”

Long gave her a look. “The fuck are you talking about?”

Niffty washed herself off of all of the viscera while Master Phu lectured her. “Remember. Patience is key for this last round. Your last opponent is very powerful, very fast. He will not let you punch him so easily.”

“Master,” Niffty said, throwing on a cool voice. “I have become a killer. I am the demon slayer. I, Niffty, will not not punch that demon’s face off.” She giggled. This was starting to get too fun.

He put more white powder on her limbs. “Just make sure you don’t die horribly.”

Charlie and Vaggie were watching in pure horror. They wanted to turn away but couldn’t. “This is absolutely awful,” Charlie said. “How can you guys be laughing?”

“How can you not?” Alastor asked. “When demons are being pummeled in the most slapstick of ways?”

“Yeah look at these fucking assholes.” Husk asked. “Walking around thinking they’re so tough. I’m glad Niffty’s burying them. Aren’t you Mr. Gun Fu?”

They looked over at Angel who was covered in casts and bandages. “Look, I just want her to get the 100k so I can pay for this shit.”

The two girls shook their head. Fucking men.

“And for the final round!” Pussy stood on the table. “We have the Grand Masters of their respective styles. In this corner we have the master of Guu-Do Hito style martial arts, Niffty!” The crowd cheered for her as she entered the stage. Phu was advertising big. “And in this corner the master of Pho-Kin Bushido style, we have the one, the only, Giro!”

A small frog-like man the same size as Niffty squared up against her and took a defensive stance. “Giro has seen your combat skills. They are, lacking (ribbit). Giro shall show you your place woman.”

“My place can be found up your butt,” Niffty replied. “Would you like that?”

“That’s a good question. Shall we find out?”

The two prepared themselves as Kitty readied the round. “Final match! Niffty vs. Giro! Go!”

Niffty threw herself at him and punched him in the face. At least she thought she did, but then she didn’t. Her fist went right past him and he stood there next to her with a froggy scowl. She gave a nervous chuckle.

“Whoops, that hasn’t happened yet.” And then Niffty underwent a flurry of punches and kicks to her everywhere.

“What a beat down!” Long said. “Niffty is getting absolutely pummeled out there. Pussy, what kind of fighting style is that?”

“That’s what professionals call ass-whooping style,” she replied. “God I’d hate to be the loved ones of this poor creature.”

Alastor was at peak entertainment in the stands having a wild time. Charlie was shaking him to stop. “Do something about this!” she yelled. “He’s gonna kill her!”

“Don’t worry Charlie. Niffty has handled far greater perils than this before (mostly from me). She’ll be fine.”

Niffty was thrown out of the ring and skidded on the ground a hundred feet before she screeched to a halt in front of her friends. She looked up with a big tear in her eye. “Al I don’t wanna do this anymore. I’m scared.”

“Then stay out of the ring,” Charlie knelt over. “You don’t have to fight.”

“I agree.” Husk joined her. “As fun as carnage is I’d rather it not be someone I know.”

The announcers put on binoculars. “It seems that Niffty is out of the ring,” Long said. “If she doesn’t come back in ten seconds she’ll lose the round.”

Niffty sighed.

“And then we’ll released a bunch of Hell-hounds on her.” A dozen or so were chomping at the bit for a Niffty sandwich.

Niffty freaked the fuck out. “Al please save me I don’t wanna die!”

“Now now dearie,” Alastor said. “I’m not going to solve all your problems for you. However I do like being entertained. “He patted Niffty on a head. A pulse of green energy went through her. “Remember, violence isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about fun. So go out there and have fun.”

Niffty wasn’t sure what the lesson was but she felt good enough to try the whole explodey thing again so she hopped back into the ring. The match was to continue.

“Giro is impressed that you would face his almighty fist over the carnage of many large dogs.” He did some flashy moves. “But you are the fool for these fists have the strength of a hundred frogs, which is the equivalent of 2.5 Gehenna dogs, which is not the same as Hellhounds, but is 80% similar. The point is that I’m going to beat the shit out of you.”

“Well, uh,” Niffty mumbled, bursting with Alastor’s magic. “No you?”

“Giro will make you eat those words!” He kicked her in the face, but this time it didn’t hurt as badly. Niffty tried to punch him back but he dodged and weaved around. He went for another go but she dodged, and then he dodged, and the two flailed at each other like madmen trying to get a hit in.

“Look at them go at each other!” Pussy yelled. “I can feel the sexual tension all the way from here.” Long gave her a look.

Niffty started to go insane and mouth off nonsense at the frog man. “Atatatatatatatatatatata!”

The frog refuted her ramblings with his own. “Kerororororororororororororo!” He managed to get a hit in and throw her back and when she tried to jump back in he drenched her with water from his gullet. “Haha, Giro has made you all wet now.”

“Oh my god!” Pussy said. “Niffty’s wet now!”

She squeezed out her skirt. “Ooh, now I gotta dry out. Hey! You’re really mean you know that?”

“Mean?” He dropped his stance. “W-We’re fighting, in a death match. You’ve, killed people, or at least as close as demons get to killing. You’ve committed horrifying acts of violence on several contestants, for fun! And now you’re saying Giro is being mean? Why are you acting like such a child!?”

Niffty thought about it for a second. “I dunno.”

“Kick his ass Niffty!” Master Phu yelled.

“Yes master!” Niffty kicked into gear. She jumped in with supernatural speed and cocked her mighty fist. “Explodey Head Punch!” The fist made impact on his face and he reeled back from Alastor’s borrowed might. But he didn’t explode. The frog laughed.

“Giro knew it,” he said. “That white powder was some kind of special explosive mixture that forces outward on impact. You haven’t the faintest bit of martial prowess whatso-.”

Niffty continued to beat the ever loving shit out of him with a flurry of punches and kicks before all of Al’s extra energy burst out into a ball. “Jazzy Death Blast!” Giro got cooked to a crisp and fell down into a toasty heap, his legs twitching like mad.

Kitty rose Niffty into the air. “And the winner is Niffty!” The whole crowd cheered for their new martial arts champion. Everyone from the hotel breathed a sigh of relief.

“What an amazing tournament don’t you think Pussy?” Long asked?

“I agree. That was a more explosive climax than you in me back in the green room.”

“That is way too much information Pussy.”

Master Phu came into the center of the ring with his powder and got a fist full of it. He grabbed the microphone from Kitty. “Yes! It was this magic dust that I created that made this miserable little pipsqueak so powerful! My chemistry in hell is unmatched. So, if you need a way destroy your most powerful enemies at a reasonable price, then come to Master Phu’s Herbal Emporium on the east side. I, Master Phu, will-.”

Niffty accidentally kicked him in the back, causing him to fall over into his giant bucket of dust face first. Half the ring went away in a bloody explosion.

Later that night as the carnival was coming to a close, Niffty was given more carnival junk food to cheer her up. She was laced with bandages and was swelling but that didn’t affect her sense of taste.

“I hope you learned your lesson for today Niffty,” Charlie said, feeding the poor soul. “Watch out for what you can fall into.” Vaggie agreed.

“I thought it would be don’t get caught cheating,” Angel said. Nobody would feed him. “Can’t believe they fucked you out of 100k over a technicality.”

“I believe the lesson should be,” Alastor said. “That violence is fun.”

“Yeah,” Husk took a drink. “That sounds about right. What do you fucks think?” Right next to them in line Giro, Kitty, Long and Pussy were waiting with bandages all over them as well. No one was happy, but Giro did pay his respects toward Niffty after.

“I think,” Niffty said, trying to formulate a thought. “That I like winning a lot.” And that’s what everyone had to go with.


End file.
